nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
