dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
