In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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