and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
