I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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