using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
