im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
