Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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