I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
