LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
