Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I had to cum in my sink.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
