nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
