My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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