I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
