This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Randomize
