it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
