if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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