If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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