I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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