I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
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