i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
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