I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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