Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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