Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
