Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Holy sore nipples Batman
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
