I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
