tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
