Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
honey bunches of taint.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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