Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
