By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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