I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
