I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
