i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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