It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
