I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
