i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Randomize
