Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
