we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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