all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
