I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
