All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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