Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
