overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
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