Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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