his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
