My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
