For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
