My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
