so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
