I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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