he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
