Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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