new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
